AJ Lawrence

Seeking cheat codes

// April 23rd, 2010 // No Comments » // learning, mistakes

I was talking with my coach about how to deal with stress and improving as both a person, parent and a leader.  We were joking about which books have instructions on how to be a perfect person. I jokingly asked him to confirm for me that there really was no secret “THIS IS WHAT YOU MUST DO TO BE THE PERFECT XXX….”  He laughed and said, “…None of the books on my shelves do that.”

I chuckled and we went on and talked about a few other subjects, but shortly we turned back to developing ways to practice becoming a better person and leader.  He asked me what I wanted to start with and I found myself unable to answer. I was paralyzed, suddenly I was completely afraid that I would never be able to achieve the goals of my life, that I was doomed, I would never improve, a real spiral of fear. I changed the subject and we went on.

The next day, I kept going back as to why I froze and why I was so afraid.  All my life, I’ve been a huge proponent of the smashing your head against something until you either understand how to do it, or you smash it to pieces and you no longer have to deal with it.

OK, what I mean to say is, I’m believe that learning/improving is a very long term idea; it’s filled with lot’s of  raw gathering of data, many mistakes, little successes, much repeating, all added up together to become knowledge/improvement.  I repeat the phrase, ” Step by Step” in response to almost every set-back, obstacle, or difficulty we face at my company, or in my life.  I always encourage my team to make mistakes (just try not to repeat them), so we can learn why things go wrong in order to more easily understand how to become better.

So much of my mental image is that I make mistakes, struggle with small, consistent improvements, but don’t give up.  I get knocked down and then stand back up, again and again, until I figure out what I need to, basically, I think that I’m too tough to fail.

Yet, I am not.

I have a strong desire to skip all that hard work and just be given all the answers.  I know we all have that desire, but this desire is so strong and the jokingly “accepted” understanding that there are no answers to be given, knocks the ground from out under my feet.

The fear has faded some, I’ve been able to rebuild a bit of my mental image of the tough person who will do what ever is needed to succeed, but between you and me, I need to find some cheat codes, really soon.

Otherwise, it’s back to the basics, doing everything step by step.

Let’s get lost

// April 13th, 2010 // No Comments » // learning

I’ve always both feared and been facinated by feeling lost.

As a teenager a favorite short story of mine was by Joe Haldeman. In the story a mathematician tricks the devil. After finding out there was no where the devil couldn’t go or find, the mathematician commands the devil to “get lost!” As a teenager, I chuckled over that one for a long time. Sort of silly but it stuck in my head.

Growing up, I had a lot of experience getting lost; my father loved to take short cuts, and somehow or another they didn’t ever quite work. As a boy scout and a teenager in general I really enjoyed backpacking and hiking in general and going off the trail was always fun, seeing how lost I could get and yet still find my way back. Seems that I was always able to do so (at least so far….).

Though, one of the greatest experiences of my life happened while I was a 16 year old exchange student in Ecuador. It was my last week in the country and I had just gotten to Quito, the night before, to stay with a new host family for a few days before returning to the U.S.

I was dropped off in the city center, at some mall or such, to meet a friend, or fellow exchange student, I really can’t remember anymore. But I must have gotten the time or place wrong because no one was there. The people dropping me off had already left and the person I was supposed to meet was supposed to be taking me back to where I was staying.

I, of course, didn’t know where that was, all I knew was what there house looked like, that the house was somewhere up the mountain from where I was, that I could see a billboard shaped like a pack of Marlboros (with smoke spewing out of an extended “lit” cigarette), and the way Cotopaxi looked from in front of the house. That was all I knew about where I was supposed to get to.

I don’t know why but I wasn’t worried, I just started up the mountain and expected that I would little by little wander my way closer to where I was staying and somehow find the place. I walked for 6 hrs across the city slowly getting closer and I found myself completely engrossed in the expereience the new sites, sounds of Quito’s neighborhoods and the prospect of getting “home”.

I finally got there and never told anyone just said I had a great time down in the city.

More then anything else I had experienced that summer in Ecuador, that afternoon is the most important to me. Ever since, if I have the time and I am in a new city, I just learn a few land marks and then just throw myself out into the city and see what I can see.

That sense of adventure doesn’t always translate into my ability to deal with the emotional sense of being lost, or in losing my way. At times, as a parent, an entrepreneur or just as a person, I feel lost, not know what I should be doing. Or worse, I spend so much energy on just trying to not feel lost and I end up feeling worse.

I fear not knowing what to do… and that leaves me both lost and in a cycle of fearing becoming even more lost.

Only occassionly do I stop and ask myself what’s to fear about being lost. I’ve been lost before, truly, seriously lost and yet I lived. Being emotionally lost, while sucking, isn’t horrible and if I don’t allow the aspects of fear to take over, has lead to some pretty decent introspection.

So why  do I fear feeling lost? I don’t know, it just seems to be part of my nature.

So more importantingly, how do I learn to become more comfortable with feeling lost?

I’ve been reading “taking the leap” by Pema Chordron and in the second chapter, she writes about learning to stay in the place we feel lost in so it gradually loses it’s threat. The way to practice staying is to pause when feeling lost and to take three breaths and just listen to your environment.

The funny thing about this advice us that the breathing reminds me that I have been lost and have found my way. As usual, finding my way usually takes becoming calm, understanding where I want to go, then determining the way I’m going to get there, before actually mapping out the specific directions I need to take. Then it takes just getting started and checking on my progress readily enough to reorient myself and then not stopping until I’m where I want to be.

Funny how what I learned getting lost in Quito as a 16 year old boy is so relevant to both being a better business person but more importantly a better person.

So maybe the mathematician was doing the devil a favor when he told him to get lost. Who knows what the Devil learned on his journey?

… and hopefully he was listening to some Chet Baker while doing so.

How to learn: Watching my five year old

// March 27th, 2010 // 1 Comment » // Blog, learning, parenting

Lately, I’ve been worried if I will be able to learn everything I need to manage and grow my company. As this is the fourth company, I thought I would be so much smoother and more knowledgeable.

That’s simply not the case. I have some understanding and experience but I feel myself at a loss sometimes at how to improve, how to get better, basically how to learn. This is tough. I wonder if I will ever improve, if I have done the right thing, if I ever will, etc. My fears start to roost in my head and their crowing crowds out everything else. Not a fun experience.

Then something happens that smacks me over the head to realize how silly I am being.

My five year son loves the scooter his auntie bought him. This scooter is almost as beloved as his collection of NYC subway cars. If you have (or had) a five year boy in NYC, you know how important that is. Over the past few weeks, we’ve frequently gone out so he can ride his scooter .

Unfortunately, riding a scooter hasn’t come easy to him. He’s been falling, tripping, tumbling and just all around not “scooting” around. I’ve been trying to teach him, to show him, to encourage him, but he’s a lot like his father and doesn’t take well to getting advice. Also, he gets frustrated at his inability to do what he thinks he needs to be able to do, yelling at the scooter, the sidewalk, even the trees for being in his way. Once again I wonder where he gets that from. So, our last few outings have included quite a few complaints around the scooter not working, how stupid it is, and wondering if a bike wouldn’t be better.

I was surprised this morning when he told me he wanted to ride his scooter, but it was a sunny morning and a walk to the farmer’s market sounded fun, so off we went.

And I was amazed once we got outside… off he went. He scooted! He stood on one foot, pushed off and at times even fully rode with both feet on the scooter balancing as he zoomed off. He was beautiful to watch.

I was wondering how he suddenly was able to do this; where this beginning of expertise, ease and almost swagger came from. Then it dawned on me. It came from all the times he fell over, crashed into something, took a tumble and yet got back up and tried it again, and again and believe me, yet again. He didn’t give up.

My little guy reminded me that being stubborn and not giving up is the truest way to improve; to learn. Now, I have to make my mistakes and get back up, until I can scoot along better.

Thank gawd, I have a five year old son to learn from.

Besides watching five year olds, how do you learn? Leave me your favorite ways to learn down in the comments.